Over the past month, I met some close friends twice over two weekends. We did the usual - dress cute (but not too cute - we are serious people), go to a cocktail bar and order some drinks and food.
An hour in, there was no change to our respective levels of inner emptiness. We were weary from years of doing the same old bullshit. And It showed. Our brains no longer perform the chemical machinations needed to make us feel switched on or connected.
On the morning after one of these nights, I texted my friend this:
l’ll admit it. We millennials have no idea how to catch up well. I suppose it is not ‘chill’ to make an effort. And the result is the type of routine, unconscious, compulsive "going out" that gets old fast. A terrible way to spend leisure time with the people we enjoy the most.
In The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, Priya Parker makes a compelling case for purposeful, intentional gatherings. Over eight chapters, she calls for a radical updation of how we all gather and successfully challenges how set in our ways we have all been, often for centuries.
Parker’s framework can be applied to any gathering. But because this is primarily a rant to myself, I’ve applied it to how we gather socially.
Commit to a bold, sharp purpose: Ask WHY you are meeting. This is actually the opposite of a buzz kill question. It helps you be honest with yourselves. Take a second to reflect on what the purpose of the meeting is, and let that purpose guide the details - who you are seeing, where you are seeing them, what time of day works best for both your needs, and what you will do together.
So if this year, you’d like to have better boundaries and spend more time in nature, let how you gather on your birthday embody that purpose. Let the venue, your group and how you commemorate the day support your deepest needs. It doesn’t have to look like it did every year. There is no format.
In the book, Parker wishes she dared to invert the ‘format’ of her baby shower to invite her husband. We are all told that some of the most important days of our lives ‘should’ look a certain way. Says who.
Who are you seeing?: Now that you have ascertained why, it is time to arrive at more uncomfortable details. Is this a group that makes sense? Does your group have a shared understanding of ‘fun’? Parker calls upon you to exclude well. Don’t see people out of obligation. That’s unkind. Keep the Bobs out.
Pick a place that makes sense: If you need to let loose and feel playful, maybe a walking date or picnic at a park works better than a dingy, crowded cafe or bar. If you want some stillness and deep conversation, perhaps don’t consider that restaurant in the middle of the mall. If it is a small-ish group, pick or create a place with a sense of atmosphere. How your senses feel in a place is often far more critical for the purposes of fun, than logistics. A place with an extensive menu but terrible music and uncomfortable seating is a sub-optimal tradeoff.
‘Pop-up Rules’ are the new etiquette: I am triggered by the word etiquette. It is an inherently stuffy word and one I associate with Resident Welfare Associations.
Parker notes that aristocrats created etiquette mainly to preserve their aristocracy. They are permanent and rigid - telling you exactly how to place your napkin and such, and are inherently exclusionary. Etiquette works in homogenous groups. When the folk you gather with are like you, no incentive exists for anyone to change anything.
Pop-up rules, in contrast, allow you to re-imagine gatherings and enjoy new people for who they are. She recommends custom-creating playful ‘rules’ for just that one gathering. Things like telling everyone to tell one lie consistently to the group throughout the night or hosting an intangible gift exchange.
Nights out that feel lacklustre are a lost opportunity. Life's most meaningful moments - laughing, expressing affection for others or feeling awestruck or moved - are, unsurprisingly, best experienced with other people.
As is evident, I am a grump, and the last time I had a good time at a gathering was in 2003. Im working on it.
This absolutely resonates, and I loved reading it. I'm constantly looking for non-dinner+drinks types of outings, and parks and art dates are my most favourite ones :)
Superbly written !!!