Clothing Calculus

How to dress so that nobody hates you

This might sound like a piece about vanity, but it is not.

Four hundred thousand years ago, clothing became a thing because of the practical objective of protecting ourselves from the elements.

As textiles were discovered in the centuries that followed, our human-ness intervened and made clothing the inconvenient, gendered, political and consumerist thing it is today.

We started to dress up to mark life's milestones, with outfits for weddings and funerals and uniforms for cobblers and kings. At once, our outfits denoted social status, group affinity, and individualism.

Clothing is totemic.

And it makes sense why. The first tangible thing our brain registers about a person is how they physically present. This introduction is subliminal. Whether we like it or not, and even if we aren't interested in fashion, our brains process this information and make many (tired) assumptions.

As of July 2023, the month Barbie was released, this nonsense continues

These outfits are just not practical and life is practical.

It's no secret that women default to performing an elaborate seance before choosing what to wear. We're hyper-aware of our bodies and how they fit into different spaces. And we're almost too attuned to how these spaces and their inhabitants react to us.

There are many variables at play, of course. But for most post-modern industrial contexts, we're trying to be taken seriously while not being too stand-offish. We're trying to be pleasant but not so pleasant that it's distracting.

This is advanced mathematics.

Here is my (very resigned) list of practical + philosophical considerations for picking an outfit:

Blending in: Consider your context. Some situations require that you mostly go unnoticed. Dress for conformity. This is an excellent time not to be yourself. It would be best if you had enough generic outfits in your wardrobe that allow you to be a professional, pleasant, unproblematic wallflower.

Standing out: Having a personality is nice, so you can try to be yourself. But not too much. The standing out has to be proportionate and appropriate. You might accessorise to achieve this. Your watch or earrings or socks might be subtle enough means to express yourself. Most people won't even notice. And that is kind off the point.

Power Dressing: Only power dress if you're powerful and a male. Otherwise, people are going to think you're a self-important douche. Your suit must be sober and severe, should you feel the need to wear one. Embody a semiconductor. They’re all the rage right now.

Humble Dressing: Humble dressing is the only thing more powerful than power dressing. Dressing like you don't care about frivolities like outfits is the surefire way to disarm all the mean, influential people that control powerful spaces. You want to project plainness. Like you'd be the same person and still show up for work after winning the lottery.

Comfort: Comfort is critical. Yes. But actually, it is less critical than other things. Modesty, for one, is key-er still. As is the upholding and respect for protocol and tradition.

During a 2009 diplomatic trip to Saudi Arabia, then White House Deputy Chief of Staff Alyssa Mastromonaco was informed that as a woman, she was not allowed to wear open-toed shoes in the country. She had not packed any closed-toe shoes. She had to do her best to conceal her toes when meeting with King Abdullah to avoid a diplomatic incident. This stuff is serious.

It's interesting how something as mundane as getting dressed each day has come to symbolise our state of mind and our lives so much. In a way, clothing and fashion serve as a device where the politics of our times are crystallised.

Maybe this is actually about vanity after all.